Learnings

I originally wrote this 6 months ago, but held off on posting because it was written in a fit of angst. Yes, that beautiful teenage angst. It has since been edited to include the present as well.
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I can't remember how old I am.

Kind of a scary thought. I have to do the math every time. 2005-1987 = 25 years old, +/- 1 year.

Its one of the more common problems of being lost in time.

I don't really know when I got unstuck in time. Between schooling and looking to the future, and looking to the past to understand myself, the present lost its significance. Who would want to remember it? The past has its fondness, its safety and recognition. It has meaning and understanding, even if its simply my brain restructuring memories in order to spin a narrative, answer a question, or simply create a timeline. The future has my hopes and dreams safely nestled away, like eggs waiting to hatch. But in the now, I only have work and unease. I can feel a pressure around me, and always have, thinking back. But now its becoming more constricting, and my thoughts more rigid. Like a bad case of...umm...hmm...fibrinous pericarditis?

I'm losing my means of communicating without resorting to medical analogies. Even now, I noticed my sputum has a slight rusty color to it, and I'm already wondering which infection I have. Probably bacterial, sub-acute, afebrile with slight malaise and inflamed tonsils. [Granted, I have years of practice to go before I can make those claims with any basis, but I've realized the increasing trend with which I've been intellectualizing my problems, rather than dealing with them.] Its been years since I studied semiotics, but I can understand why this language has to be so alien and so specific. And yes, I know the medical language sounds a lot more sexy than saying "sore throat with some bloody mucous" The community needs to define and grade and agree on each finding, or disease, or pathology, because ultimately it is a science. But I never imagined that a language, which usually binds communities, could also be so divisive.

I have many topics to write about. I also have newspaper articles and even research articles I want to write. But at this point they'll never see the light of day. They cannot exist in my future anymore; I need them to begin existing in the present. I need to ground myself again. It has become impossible to look at anything in life without reducing it to its lifespan. My water bottle will last 4 months longer at this rate, my laptop 2 years max. My relationships and ties to the island end in X months, my lease ends in 15 days, my ties to Florida may end in 3 months, and my own life in roughly 50 years at this rate. It's like I'm in a constant out-of-body experience. I can see myself below. Damn, I have terrible posture.

And while sitting with my shoulders huddled together, I can see myself getting angry over the last few weeks and months. Its practically a child tantrum. A reminder that I'm not as calm as I want to be, or as mature and understanding as I make myself out to be. Another hammer to my ego. Take that, you bastard. There are 8 billion of you out there, but I'll be damned if I contribute to your numbers. Of course I'm going to be an asshole when I'm sick, or feel like crap, or haven't had enough sleep, or under a deadline. I haven't had to deal with those simultaneously occuring, until now anyways. Its something I need to start dealing with now, not in the past.

Fuck. I'm late again.